


Still Human

by EightLeggedFox



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-19 01:39:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11887200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EightLeggedFox/pseuds/EightLeggedFox
Summary: When Reiner enlisted at the corps, the only plan was to infiltrate the only defense the enemy had. He wasn't expecting to meet people, make friends, and fall in love—to the point of jeopardizing the real mission. So much rests on his shoulders, but he is after all, only human. And every human has a weakness.A sort of bonus content for my main story[進撃の心臓] Shingeki no Shinzowhere Reiner tells the story.





	1. Blushing.

**Author's Note:**

> So as of posting this, we pretty much left at a nice breaking point from the [main story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11119293/chapters/24818124). I've had this sitting for a while now and thought now would be a good time to post it. These are Reiner's thoughts on key events of the main story. I won't be rewriting the ENTIRE saga but just a few to get a good grip on how Reiner thinks. And again, I DON'T read the manga. So how Reiner thinks and acts will solely conform to how he already acted in the main story. This may be a little OC? or maybe I'm hitting the right points? I don't know hahahaha, but please don't spoil me. This is meant to be bonus content anyway, so the length of the chapters will vary, and I'm not sure if I can make it as hard hitting as the main one, but I still hope you enjoy!

It would be nice to say that I had the body clock of a model soldier. Waking up at sunrise, giving myself enough time for morning warm up exercises and a nice bath, all right before breakfast. Problem was, my body clock is complete hell, and the only reason I woke up earlier than usual today was because Bertholdt’s foot was kicking my face again. We’ve only been here for a day and he’s already sleeping like he owned the place. Granted, he really hasn’t slept in a nice cushioned bed in a while, and what kind of friend would I be if I told him off for sleeping comfortably?

Getting down from our bunk, it looked like only a handful of other recruits were stirring up as well. I don’t know why, but it was extremely annoying hearing them greet each other a good morning. These idiots are so clueless it makes me sick. One of them is looking at me now, but I look back and he immediately turns away. I guess I’m scowling again. I never really notice half the time I do, only when Bertholdt tells me. 

Seeing that it was maybe an hour before breakfast, I decided to go for a walk outside. Any place was good as long as I didn’t have to see any of these people. On my way out though, something catches my eye to the right, and I find myself staring at Connie’s sleeping figure. 

He’s one of the biggest idiots in here that’s for sure, and I’m still trying to figure out why I even asked him to come with me last night. I guess it makes me curious, to understand how people like them tick. But at the same time, I can’t get his blushing face off my head. It was strangely...entertaining, to watch him get caught off guard from all the little stuff I did last night. A shame really. In a normal world, he’d be a pretty likeable person, but in this world and with that attitude, he’d be the first one to die in the field.

* * *

 

I guess one of the best parts of signing up for the military is all the free food they’re giving us, although it did mean I had to eat it with everyone else in the same room, it beats having to scavenge for food in the streets. I wait for Bertholdt to arrive while I save us a seat. I saw Annie earlier too, and was about to ask her how her first night was before she gave me one of her indifferent stares. 

“Morning Reiner,” came the soft voice that could only have come from Bertholdt. Despite being a giant—pardon the pun—easily towering above everyone else in the room, he was such a soft spoken guy. 

“Morning. You sleep well?” I asked even if I already knew the answer to that. 

“Yeah. Very well actually. I’m surprised you were already out of bed when I woke,” he said as he took the seat across from me before taking a bite from his bread roll, slightly moaning as he chewed. “Aw man, this bread is freshly baked. It tastes amazing.” 

I couldn’t hold in the small laugh after the face he made, and snickered as I took a bite from my own.

“What’s so funny?” he asked while he chewed, his brows raising in curiousity.

“Remember that time we found that really moldy bread by the bakery window? We were so hungry we didn’t even care how fuzzy it looked and we just brushed the mold off.” I smile at the memory, making Bertholdt laugh over it too.

“We had stomachaches for two days after that, and Annie kept telling us how how stupid we were.”

Remembering Annie’s face from that time got me laughing and wishing she was here sitting with us too. “I can’t believe we even thought it tasted good.”

I was about to take another bite when someone suddenly shouted from across the room, making us look. 

_ “Oh shit!!” _

Over at the table by the window, Connie was making a ruckus with the people he was sitting with. I couldn’t hear everything he was saying from where we were, something to do with bread? It looked like he was handing out his roll to the guy he was with and he was...blushing.

“You’re scowling again,” Bertholdt said matter-of-factly, his lips pursed in a small smile. “You’re never going to make any friends if you keep doing that.”

“And why would I want to make friends?” I scoff and go back to my meal, trying my best to ignore what was going on at the the other table and disregarding the fact that Connie just turned beet red over something his friend said. What do I care, right? At least that’s what I keep thinking to myself as I pour all my effort into keeping my eyes on the plate in front of me and not at him.

After breakfast we were immediately taken to the training field for today’s exercise. An aptitude test, to determine if we were capable of balancing ourselves on a harness similar to that of the ODM gear. The commander was in front of the lines briefing everyone, with the threat of getting kicked out if we weren’t able to accomplish the exercise.

“Hey, Reiner,” Bertholdt whispered next to me, “I think we may have found someone with a scarier face than yours.” 

I roll my eyes just as the commander started calling out the first names to go on the harnesses, and my interest piqued when one of them was Connie. Wait what? What is up with me today? Every time that little bald kid was involved I keep getting sidetracked. I look at him as he goes up the harness with the others and this time I don’t even try to pretend not to care, watching him a little too intently as he tries to balance himself.

He was good at this, just a few seconds up there and he was already perched like he’s done this sort of thing before. Huh, maybe he’s not such an idiot after all. I try to hold back the smile that’s forming so Bertholdt doesn’t see, but I keep my gaze trained on him and we lock eyes the instant he turns to my direction. 

He was blushing again, and I had to do everything I could to keep it from affecting me. What is it about him blushing that makes me feel so weird? Man, get a hold of yourself.

“Alright! That’s enough, bring them down!” Commander Shadis’ voice rang over the field signalling for the first batch to alight, and even then my eyes are still glued to the little guy. Maybe I should go talk to him. What I told him last night wasn’t a  _ complete _ lie, and I really am interested in how he wants to prove himself as a soldier.

“Where are you going?” Bertholdt asked when I started walking, so I turned and gave him a smile.

“Trying to be less scary for once.” I walk towards him then, darting my way through the throng of people all eager and excited for the activity in front of them. I was only a few steps away now when somebody beat me to him. It’s that guy he was fooling around with earlier at breakfast, Marco I think his name was. I watch them talk from my spot and feel my face instantly growing hot when I see Connie blush at the other boy and smile like a sheepdog. I vaguely notice my fists clenching as I walk towards them. Stomping is a better word actually, passing right between them and purposely brushing hard on Connie’s shoulder.

I inwardly scold myself for that the moment I pass by though . What the hell is wrong with me? I didn’t want to admit it but here I am, jealous of the attention Connie was giving the other lad. We only met last night and, yeah maybe I flirted with him a bit, but it didn’t mean anything. 

“Braun! You’re up, let’s go!” 

I make my way to the front of the lines upon hearing the commander’s call and try to push the thoughts away with no success. If talking to Connie last night didn’t mean anything, then why is  _ not _ talking to him now affecting me so much?

* * *

 

“C’mon Reiner, Bertholdt, there must be something you can tell me how to stay up those things? You two were one of the best from earlier,” Eren said from across the table, hoping to get some pointers on today’s test. I gotta hand it to the guy, after seeing a few others try and sit with me and Bertholdt over dinner tonight, Eren and his smaller friend Armin were the only ones brave enough to actually stay around my company.

“Sorry man, but I don’t really think there’s a trick to hanging on the harness. You just have to feel it and let your body adjust naturally,” I say before getting my mug to drink. He was a really determined guy wasn’t he? But determination alone won’t get him to be a soldier, and looks like he knew that too with the way he hung his head just now.

“So...is it true that you guys are from Shiganshina?” Bertholdt said suddenly and I almost spat my drink out with his question. Where was he going with this?

“Yeah. We were there when it happened.” This time it was Armin who answered, giving Bertholdt a small rueful smile as he spoke. How ironic, that he seemed ashamed when the two people who ruined their lives were sitting right in front of him. “But Eren here saw more than I did. All the blood and destruction…”

“I’m...sorry.” Bertholdt sighed, looking down at his hands.

“You guys are from Wall Maria too right? Then we’re pretty much on the same boat here then.”

Oh how the irony just keeps getting better. “Yeah. We’re probably the only few who know what we’re really up against, what the titans are like.”

“It’s not really the kind of experience I’m proud of though,” Eren answered, his eyes lighting up. “But it’s a wake up call nonetheless, and that’s why I’m here. I won’t rest until every titan in the world is killed.”

As twisted as that sounded from my perspective, his drive is quite admirable. Even after seeing all that horror as a kid, he still enlisted. There’s a lot to be said about that, and it would be a shame if he didn’t get to pass the aptitude test. “There’s no trick to hanging on the harness, but maybe with a little practice and adjustments, we can get you up in no time.”

His green eyes lit up at that, and the huge grin he made was contagious. “R-really?! Thank you Reiner! Thank you!”

We talked some more all through supper that night until the evening bell rang, signalling everyone to prepare for bed. Walking back to the dorm, I couldn't help but notice how Bertholdt really got along with Eren and Armin. I didn’t realize he genuinely wanted to make friends here, and I feel a little guilty for scaring off some of the other people that tried to approach us earlier

“Hey you guys go ahead. Gotta use the outhouse.” I gave the three of them a small wave before turning back around the other direction. Bertholdt may want the company, but I’m still not up for socializing with the others really, and I don’t wanna ruin that for him. So I guess a walk alone would do me some good. 

The stars were out and the evening air had a nice breeze to it. It was a really nice night. Maybe I could go walk around the woods again, or maybe find that lake we saw from the cliff last night. Yeah that’ll be nice. I could really get used to this place, and three years of training isn’t looking so bad now.

I was about to make a turn when someone suddenly bumps into me. I look down with slight surprise at the person and inwardly shake my head. What are the chances that it had to be him?

“Ow!--shit, sorry man I didn’t—” Connie rubbed his forehead and looked up, mirroring the same surprised eyes once he realized who I was. “Oh. Hi Reiner.”

“Hey.” Is it me or did the air just change? 

“Umm so...nice weather tonight, huh?” Connie said and scratched the back of his shaven head, giving me an awkward smile. And to make it worse, I awkwardly smiled back too. 

“Uh. Yeah. I heard you did great today. At the simulation thing,” I say as I try to blow away the awkward air that seemed to choke the both of us right then. But what I can’t seem to blow away are the thoughts that came rushing to my head as I look at him. Thoughts of him and Marco together. I tried not to steal glances at their table earlier at dinner, and I tried not to look at the way they were talking, but I couldn’t help it. Point is I  _ tried. _

“Oh, that. Yeah well, It was nothing really, anyone could do it I guess,” he said sheepishly. I half expected him to brag about it and be a little proud of himself, and am a little surprised when he didn’t. It brings me back to everything he told me last night, and I find myself wishing for that comfortable vibe we had instead of this awkward haze, but I can’t get my mind off of today. Maybe I should ask him about Marco, to finally quiet my nagging thoughts. But then again, why do I even have to know in the first place? And why would he even tell me? I can’t believe I’m even thinking about this right now, but I can’t stand not knowing.

“So—uhh. Today, I noticed you and Mar--”

“Hey Connie!” We both jumped at the sound of his voice before I see him running towards us, and I swear I wanted to kill the freckled man right at that moment. “There you are! I went to the outhouse just now and since you weren’t back yet, I thought I’d run into you. Oh, hey there Reiner!” 

He must be kidding. I wanted to punch that smiling face of his so bad it was making my fists hurt. Are they a  _ thing _ now? After just one day? Or do they know each other even before coming here? My mind is so littered and I almost forget that they’re both waiting for me to respond. So I just nod at him, and quickly walk away. I try to cool my head with what just went on back there and sort my thoughts out. After a while my mind has come up with two things that prevailed over the rest. One, I can’t believe I’m starting to like the bald headed runt. Two, I was jealous. Extremely jealous.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing in POV, and coming from a character I barely even know in canon (yet). But this is fun to write and I would love it if you left me your thoughts on this and maybe your 2 cents on how I can make it better :) but please for the love of reicon. No spilers! :D


	2. Blood.

Blood. There was blood everywhere, thick and pooling under piles and piles of human bodies. Bodies that have been crushed and mutilated, some by my own feet. I tried not to look at their faces, but it was a wasted effort. I saw how their expressions changed from total fear to resignation, and as the life was snuffed out of their eyes. Why did they have to run my way? Why were they stupid enough to get killed? It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t mean to kill them. God, why was there so much blood? Why—

“Reiner.”

I open my eyes and feel hands gently shaking my body awake. The blood was gone and I’m in some sort of cabin. That’s right. I’m a recruit now, training to be a soldier to kill titans. Not people. At least that’s what I keep repeating in my head to calm my beating heart. Bertholdt’s face was hovering above mine with a worried expression and I struggle to focus as I blink tears from my eyes. Tears? Why was I crying? 

“You were mumbling again...are you okay?” Bertholdt whispered, keeping his voice down so as not to wake the others in the room. I wipe my eyes dry and turn on the bed to avoid facing him. It’s been weeks since we started training and I’ve lost count of how many times I woke him up because of my nightmares. 

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep.” Having been used to this sort of thing by now, I feel Bertholdt shuffle beside me as he settles back in his bed. Soon I hear his breathing calm and I know he’s asleep again. I turn back around and face the ceiling once more, trying to push the nightmare out of my mind. I don’t know how long I stayed like that, or whether I even fell asleep again or not, but soon the morning bells are ringing and it’s time to get up. I couldn’t have been more eager to leave the bed than I was, but training all day always clears my mind. It takes me away from the horrible memories and the nightmares, and anything that did that was a welcome relief.

We spend meal times with Eren, Armin, and Mikasa these days, and I find myself enjoying their company as the weeks went by. We even sat together in class, just like this morning after breakfast, when half of the day’s training was done in a classroom session. Some would say I even considered them as friends, even though I didn’t like to admit it. Bertholdt on the other hand was more open, and as we eat our lunch now I stare in wonder how he seems so natural around these people. Sometimes I want to ask him how he does it, how he blends in and pretends that he didn’t just cause the genocide of an entire population. But that would lead the conversation to my side and he’ll ask what’s really bothering me every night, and that’s something I never want to talk about. Even with him.

“I wonder what we’re going to do for today’s physical training,” Armin said idly while cutting a chunk from his potato. 

“Some military exercise again, I bet.” Eren pouted beside him, sounding a bit annoyed. “I wish they’d just teach us how to use the ODM gears already. All these military drills aren’t going to help us kill titans.”

“Sure it is. You just gotta change the way you think about it,” I say with a smirk and raising my eyebrows at the green-eyed boy. “You can’t hope to fly around until you learn how to walk first. Right?”

Armin gave me a small smile at that and turned to Eren, “He’s right you know.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Eren huffed and took a bite from his food, and Armin just chuckled beside him. Just then I hear  _ his _ voice again, loud and excited as always from a few tables to our left. I should say I wasn’t listening, but what’s the point. I’ve been eavesdropping on their table’s conversation the moment they all sat down together, looks like someone was dreading the upcoming oral exam.

“Really?! Thanks Marco, that’d be great!” Connie said excitedly as he stood up, and I try my best not scowl. I’ve been avoiding him since that day after the aptitude test for reasons I don’t even want to think about, but here I am being pathetic. Eavesdropping and stealing glances whenever he’s not looking from a distance and silently wishing for Marco’s death. So what if I find him a little attractive, with his cute and innocent blushing face and shaven head. He was way too short for me anyway, and I don’t want to get involved if Marco is the real target of his afflictions. They can fuck themselves senseless for all I care.

“Uhh, Reiner?” 

“What?!” Armin literally jumped when I turned to him, a little harsher than I intended.

“Y-your spoon is...umm…”

I look at what he’s pointing at and see a crumpled piece of metal in my right hand—my spoon, bent and misshapen. I frown and try to bend it back into shape while they all watch me with awkward faces, waiting for an explanation.

“There. Good as new.” It wasn’t. It looked more like an overused horseshoe at best. I give them a smile and they just laugh for the rest of our meal.

* * *

 

Today’s physical training was a supply run. We were grouped into squads of four and were given pseudo-supply packs, and the goal was to reach the designated end point through the forest with your team. We were graded on this activity and that depended on who gets to the finish line first.

“Reiner, hold on a sec!” One of my teammates call out from behind and I turn, only to see all of them leaning against the trees. This was the third time since we left the starting line. We haven’t even gone a full kilometer yet and they were already out of breath!

“We can’t keep taking breaks, the other teams will beat us if we keep stopping every five steps.” I scowl at the girl who called out to me. I didn’t even bother remembering her name. These idiots are so weak, they’re going to get all of us behind. 

“These packs weigh a ton, we can’t run full speed with them on. Can we just take an easy pace?” The other guy on my team said, taking the side of his weak friend. I should just go ahead and leave them, they aren’t worth the trouble and they’re only holding me back. This early on at training, it’s pretty damn obvious who’s gonna die first once a titan appears.

My head throbs and suddenly, all I can see is red. I look over to my team and see their bloody, lifeless bodies scattered on the forest floor. An arm, a leg, and a headless torso. What the hell? I look down on the ground where blood is currently dripping on my feet, and see that it’s coming from my hands. It takes me a moment to realize that the blood isn’t mine and my heart races. What did I do? Did I kill them? Did I—

“Reiner?”

My vision changes, and I stand once again in front of my team as they all look at me, concern painting their faces. 

“Are you okay man? You looked a little pale just now.”

I have to remember how to talk as I clear my throat, taking deep breaths before I address them. “Yeah, I’m fine. must be the heat.” I wipe my forehead with my sleeve and push the bloody visions away to calm myself down. It felt so real. The wet dripping blood, the smell, everything. Except...it wasn’t real. I’m a soldier now. I’m at the forest near our camp and we’re doing our training. It wasn’t real, pull yourself together.

“Maybe you should sit down first. We can always—”

I cut him off by grabbing the backpack he placed down at his feet, placing them over my shoulder as I went ahead and grabbed the other two as well. “I’ll carry our packs. This way we won’t get slowed down, just run through the woods and leave the lifting to me.”

“W-what?! Are you crazy? You can’t run in those!”

“Watch me.” Then I’m off, the four packs weren’t that heavy really, but I know I’ll start to feel the weight when my running tires me out. But I push on. I take a tentative glance behind me to see my teammates following close behind, running a good pace now that their packs were off. We could do this, I just had to focus on the task and push myself. If I had to lift my whole team just to get us forward then I will.

We’ve mostly covered the course by now, and I feel my sweat dripping all over and my muscles are screaming. But soon the end point comes to view, and I see the commander and the senior marshals standing in wait. I look around to see if we were the first ones here, but there was someone else, someone also with a pack standing alone in front of the commander. A few paces more and I finally see who it is. There’s only one person in the entire corps that was bald and short. I heard that he was doing good at physical training, but I still couldn’t believe he beat us here.

“BRAUN!! What do you think _you’re_ doing?!” The commander shouted once I stopped in front of him. I tried to answer but my lungs wouldn’t let me, and I let myself catch my breath first. 

“Sir! I just helped my team since we were slowing down midway through the forest, sir!” I say in quick succession before putting three of the extra backpacks I carried down on the floor. God that shit was heavy. I’m still panting and I catch Connie looking at me with startled eyes. 

“No, what your just did was get yourself killed by a titan while rendering the rest of your team defenseless!” The commander yelled back, before turning on Connie. “And you Springer, just left the rest of  _ your _ team to die while getting your proud ass out of harm’s way! You have no right to be soldiers if you continue to act by your own accords!” I didn’t know the commander’s voice could actually go higher than his usual shouting, and it looks like his marshals didn’t either, what with the way they stepped back a little. “Both of you, will be on stable duty for the rest of the day until morning bell tomorrow! You heard me! That means no supper and you’ll be sleeping tonight in horse shit! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!”

Bertholdt was right. The commander’s face  _ is _ infinitely scarier than mine. I give a salute before turning to leave and catch one of my teammates whispering an apology to me. I give him a small smile of reassurance, I guess I’m the idiot this time around huh? We start to walk back and looking over at my fellow horse shit cleaner, Connie seems to be mulling over the same thing. His brows were slightly pulled down and his lips were forming a small pout. I try not to stare but I might as well just rip my eyes off their sockets. Walking with him right now reminds of the first time we met, that night in the forest by the cliff. And to further prove that point, he fails to see the small rock jutting from the ground and he trips, just like last time.

I grab him by his collar and stop his fall midway, with his eyes closed and body braced for the fall. “You’re thinking too hard again.”

It takes him a moment to realize what’s happening. When he does, he picks himself up and brushes me off before walking again. What the hell was that all about? Is he mad about something? I sigh and follow along, and I make sure I maintain the distance we have as we head to the stables.

* * *

 

“I’ll start sweeping,” Connie said after the marshals from the stables told us what to do and left. From his tone and expression, it looks like really  _ is  _ mad about something. Whether it’s something I did or from getting in trouble, I don’t know. Either way it’s none of my business, and if he wants to be that way then so be it.

“I’ll wash the horses then,” I say as I make my way to the water pump. There were about a dozen horses that needed washing, so I better start if I wanna finish before dark. My clothes are soaked in sweat from all the running I did earlier, so I pull off my uniform top and get to work. This is what I get for trying to be the hero again, and I sigh at the irony of it all. 

I already washed half the horses outside when I heard a loud clatter from inside the stable and my heart jumps. Connie. Did something happen? Did he hurt himself? All these thoughts kept running through my head as I ran inside hastily, and finding the little guy spread-eagled on the ground in a mess of barn equipment. 

“Ow—ow-ow,” he muttered painfully. I stand above him just as he opens his eyes and stares at me.

“You know, for someone who’s excelling at physical training, you’d think they'd be a little less clumsy than this.” I bend down to try and help him get off his mess when a flash of red catches my eye. He has a medium-sized on his cheek and it was bleeding.

“I just slipped, alright!” he says but I’m already up on my feet and walking back out the stable. I find my discarded shirt and grab it before washing it over the water pump. When I come back in, Connie was still sitting on the floor and looking at the mess he made, and the look of surprise he had when I bent down to clean his face with my shirt was priceless. He was blushing again, and seeing it this close is making me feel stuff I wasn’t even ready to process yet. I almost fail to notice his hand coming to push mine off, catching it just in time.

“You’re bleeding. Those tools look rusty so better clean it now. It doesn’t look too deep so don’t worry.”

Just when I think he’d cooperate and let me clean his wound, he swats my hand with his other one and I see him wince. Shit, I pulled at his skin. “Would you just stop?! I’m trying to help you and you’re just making things worse! If you didn’t want this then stop being so damn reckless!” 

That shut him up. I let go of his other hand when I feel him slacking and continue pressing on his cheek while doing my best to focus. I try not to look into his golden eyes, or his soft lips, but it’s becoming very hard to concentrate when his face is this close to mine. 

“Sorry, I just…” he mumbles, hesitating as he bites his lower lip. God, I swear I would’ve kissed him right then and there if it weren’t for the task at hand. 

“What happened anyway?” I ask, mostly to distract myself from my urges.

“I was just...trying to get that rake from the shelf…” he stammered, his eyes looking away. “I thought I could reach it if I stood on that bucket. ‘Guess I was just being stupid again.”

I can sometimes overhear the other recruits talking about him that way. I never heard a name, but hearing ‘that bald, short kid’ didn’t give me much to think about. And I feel a little guilty too, didn’t I see him as an idiot before we even met?

“Hey, you’re not stupid okay? Clumsy, yes. But not stupid. Just next time, ask for help when you need it. Alright?” 

He blushed again, which really didn’t do well for the situation he was in right now. It didn’t do well for  _ my  _ situation either, and I try not to stare at his slightly open mouth. “Y-yeah, I just...my mind was on other things and I didn’t want to bother you so…”

“You’re worried about the oral exam. On top of getting in trouble at training today.” Shit, why did I say that. Quick, how do you explain eavesdropping on his table earlier. “You’re not really a quiet person y’know. I heard you at the mess hall earlier talking to...Marco.” Man, even saying his name makes me angry.

He frowns at my sudden change in tone, just when I hoped he wouldn’t notice, so I come up with a distraction again. “Anyway, if you really wanted to study. I could...y’know...help. Since we’re both stuck here, and it’s not like we’ll be doing stable duties all night.”

That seemed to work because his eyes immediately lit up at what I said. And how can I not laugh at how he stuttered his thanks afterwards? I finish pressing my now bloodied shirt on his cheek and give him a smile.  “We have to finish working first. I still have eight more horses to wash out there and you have this whole mess to clean up. We’ll study afterwards.”

Then I remember the face he made that night at the forest, and I dare myself to see if I can still bring that reaction out. So I wink at him, and immediately see his eyes grow wide as his face turns even redder than before—which probably wasn’t a very good idea ‘cause all the rushing blood on his face was making his cheek bleed again. Looks like I’m going to be playing nurse for a little while more.

* * *

 

It wasn’t until I began washing horses again that I had the chance to think about my actions. What the hell just happened? Connie slipped and merely cut himself, that was it. I could’ve left him to pick himself up, or rather, I could’ve just ignored the ruckus he made in the first place. Why did I suddenly feel so protective? Not to mention the worry it came with…

Sighing, I rinse the horse brush and continue scrubbing the horse, but my mind won’t quiet down. Connie and I haven’t so much as looked at each other for almost a month and in just one afternoon, I went from avoiding him to nearly kissing him. Plus we’re still going to have to spend the night together. Why am I feeling a tinge of excitement? This isn’t good. The last time I felt this way was when—

No. Don’t even go there. I have to do something about this. We’re here to exterminate these idiots, not befriend them. We’ve come so far and I can’t get distracted now.

The horse brush falls to the ground when I go, turning to go back inside the stable with one intention in mind. It was the perfect chance. The stable was a dozen meters away from the main camp and we’re the only two people here. Even if he screamed I doubt anyone would hear, that’s not to say I’m giving him the chance to.

He’s inside one of the stable rows, bent down on the floor and scrubbing it clean. I should just sneak up on him now while his back is turned, but the idea instantly leaves when he suddenly looks at me. 

“Uhh, hey man. You finished with the horses?” he asks innocently and I don't answer. Instead I close the gap between us, walking closer to him without breaking his gaze.

“Uhh, it’s a little cramped in here for two people don’t you think?” He chuckles nervously and takes a step back, finding the end of the stall. He’s cornered. Even if he tried to run there’s no way around me.

“Umm, Reiner—?”

He jumps when I put my hand on his shoulder. This is so easy. I can choke him right now until his lungs die out, or I can twist his head and snap his neck in one clean move. Annie’s taught me how to do it, and with my size against Connie’s, it would be as easy as snapping a twig. I can just dump his body in the woods and bury him there afterwards, and when people ask I’ll just say I never saw him come back when he went for a walk. This is so easy, I should kill him now and avoid this mess from ever going too far.

Then he blushes, and my resolve weakens. He doesn’t even sense the danger he’s in right now and his eyes are telling me the same thing. The moment I feel his heart hammering from my hand on his shoulder is when give in. I can’t do it, and I try to think of an excuse to get away from this sudden awkward situation.

“I just…” My voice is ragged and I clear my throat, hoping he doesn’t suspect my lie. “Just wanted to ask if you saw any towels in here while you were cleaning. I could really use one.” 

He nods and quickly steps around me to get what I asked for, coming back a few seconds later with a towel rag in hand. “Thanks.”

The air outside was cool as the sun started to set, and I breathe in the breeze in an attempt to clear my head. What is wrong with me? I’ve already killed dozens of people, and ruined the lives of hundreds. Why can’t I kill one more insignificant guy I barely even know? I can’t let this affect me more than it already has. I just gotta focus on the mission. Yeah, that should be easy enough. 


	3. Torn

I was falling for him. What started out as plain attraction has suddenly grown into real feelings without me even noticing. It didn’t happen in one go, and I don’t think it ever really works that way either. It was in the little things he did that got me like his prowess at training despite his size, and his dedication to being a soldier. His humility and sense of camaraderie. His humor and lightheartedness. Months of being around that everyday, I was a goner. 

I didn’t want to assume, but I think he’s falling for me too. And unlike those other boys and girls that blatantly swoon over me when they think I’m not looking, Connie was more subtle in his display of emotions. Like the way he blushes and smiles whenever our eyes meet, and how he’s so willing to be open to me. Last week when we went to the lake was proof of that, and I can really start to see myself with him. We never got a chance to spend time alone again after that night, but I did get to be around him all the same. Who knew befriending everyone like he told me to would turn out to be such a good thing? In the company of others, I can finally say to myself that I actually feel happy.

“You ready?” I yell at Eren as I get into my stance. We were practicing hand to hand combat for today’s final activity before the announcement of the top five recruits who got to go to Trost for the winter supply run. I’m already a sure candidate, so my excitement is mostly reserved for Connie’s chances.

“Ready!” Eren yells back and I charge, holding the wooden training knife to my side so he doesn’t reach it. Our bodies crash and I try to tackle him to the ground. He was strong, I give him that, but he’ll need more than strength of he wants to grab the knife. We were on equal footing and the game just became who could hold out longer. Eren was just about to give in when Sasha suddenly called out, interrupting our match.

“Hey Eren!” She was waving and walking towards our direction, dragging a flustered Connie from under her arms. 

“Hey. What’s up Sasha?” Eren looked at her then over to Connie. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Oh don’t mind him, he’s just crusty ‘cause I whooped his ass earlier,” she said casually, and I see her eyes dart to me before turning to Eren again and winking at him. “Say, mind if we switch partners?” 

So that’s what this is about. Eren rolls his eyes and chuckles before walking toward her, getting her message. “Alright. He’s all yours Connie.” 

I swear, the things his blushing face does to me. Connie was as red as a tomato when they left us together and I have to remind myself that other people are around. I didn’t really mind that our friends noticed whatever it is we have together but Connie’s a little on the shy side. Better save him now before he dies of a heart attack.

“So, think you can handle me?” I’m already poised to strike when he snaps out of it and faces me again. I give him a few seconds to think before I charge at him in surprise. My shoulder slams but he manages to hold me off, which impresses me since I wasn’t expecting him to be strong enough to do that. He’s still small but you could clearly see that he’s packed a lot of muscle in the past few months. I’m holding back of course—in a real fight he’d be crushed by now, but I’m pretty sure it won’t sit well with anyone when you crush the person you wanna date.

He’s holding on remarkably well so I push a little harder, not expecting him to side-step and knock me out of balance. Damn he’s quick. I feel him tug against the knife but I don’t let go and we both crash to the ground with him lying on top of me.

“Ow—you were supposed to let go!” 

“What if I don’t wanna let go?” He gets the meaning behind my words almost instantly and catches my smirk. “So, how does it feel to be on top for once?”

I couldn’t resist it, and the expression he made was well worth it. In response, he shoves his hand on my chest and grasps the knife with the other, pulling it free and raising it high with a proud smile on his face. 

“Yes! I got it! Ha!” he exclaims happily, and turning a slight pink when he notices people looking at us. Did I mention I loved his innocent face as well?

“Great, so can I get up now?” 

He mutters a quiet apology and helps me up after getting off of me. Our hands touch and I hold onto him a little longer than I should but he doesn’t notice, because Bertholdt suddenly walks by.

“You know Reiner, he’ll never learn how to truly fight if you keep holding yourself back like that,” he says tauntingly, eyes darting on both of our faces. What is he up to? I stare at him and try to read his face but his gaze is directed towards Connie now, who looked as innocent and confused as ever. 

“You mind if play with Connie next?” he says with a warm looking smile. But I know that smile, and I bet my whole life on it that it’s anything but warm. I want to say no, but Bertholdt knew I’d do that before he even asked. Then I’ll have to make up an excuse and things will just get thicker, so I just nod reluctantly.

Standing by the side, I watch them as they go into position, and since Connie was holding the knife he took from me, he was on the offense. I don’t have to watch to know what’s going to happen, and I suddenly hate Bertholdt’s guts as he readies his stance.

“Ready when you are.”

“Alright. Here I come!” Connie charged, using the same move I did with him just now, to which Bertholdt evades effortlessly by ducking and tripping Connie in the process. I literally jump when he goes flying and hits the ground face first. If he didn’t break anything from the fall he surely did afterwards, because Bertholdt was on top of him in an instant—shoving his face hard back on the ground. 

My heart wrenches when he goes for the Connie’s arm next, twisting it behind the smaller guy’s back and making him howl in pain. That’s it. That’s way too far. I stomp over and grab Bertholdt by the shoulder and yank him off Connie. “That’s enough!”

He winces slightly and I realize how hard my grip is on him before he pushes my hand off. I don’t know what to react to. The fact that Bertholdt is actually displaying anger,  _ to me. _ Or that I’m seeing blood coming out from Connie’s overturned face on the ground.

Shit. I attempt to bend down and help him but Bertholdt suddenly has my arm in his, stopping me. “We need to talk.  _ Now. _ ”

He doesn’t see the the malicious scowl I give him when he drags me off the field and away from Connie. That or he just doesn’t care. We both end up behind one of the cabins a few meters away from the field when he throws me off to the wall, noticing that for the first time ever, he’s actually scowling like me.

“What the hell Reiner!”

He actually has the nerve to be the one angry here? “Me?! What the hell was that Bertholdt? You were the one trying to kill him!”

“Better me than Annie, don’t you think?” he snaps back, and I shake my head incredulously.

“What? What the hell are you talking about?” My confused face seems to frustrate him more, but I really don’t understand. What does Annie have to do with this?

He gives me a pained expression and shakes his head in disbelief, as if what I just said was actually worse than what he did. “What’s going on with you Reiner? You’re acting like a totally different person half the time we’re out with all of them. I never would’ve told you to make friends if I knew you were going to shut me out like this!”

“I...I don’t understand…”

Bertholdt lets out an exasperated sigh but he was far from calm. “Have you really forgotten  _ why _ we’re here? Did making friends suddenly make you switch sides or something?” What is he talking about? He looks so hurt just now and I can’t help but feel guilty because I really don’t understand what he’s going on about.

“I saw you two a week ago. I saw you fooling around with him. That’s not just  _ making friends _ Reiner. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. How and when did this happen?! Do you even really like him? Are you really throwing away Marcel’s sacrifice just so you could make a pass at Connie?!”

His name is what did it, and I try to hold on to the wall next to me as my thoughts are overwhelmed by the memories. What the hell is happening to me? What are we even doing here? Bertholdt notices the change in my demeanor and tries to put a hand over me but I brush him away.

“R-Reiner—”

“I’m fine.” My voice quivers, and I have to swallow and count to ten twice to calm my nerves and even then, an apology is all I can muster. “I’m sorry.

Bertholdt looks at me with a mixture of pity and anger, but mostly the former when he sighs. “I don’t want you hanging around him anymore if this is what being around him is doing to you. Are we clear?” He’s trying to sound authoritative, and I respect his efforts. But he actually sounds more terrified than anything, really.

“And what if I say no?”

He frowns at me, but more from pain than anger if I’m reading him right. “Then I tell Annie. And you and I both know she won’t be as lenient as I’m being. I didn’t want to say this but you’ve given me no choice Reiner. If you don’t want Connie to die, then stay away from him.”

I know he’s only doing this to protect me. I know that he’s just worried. But that still doesn’t make me want to punch him any less. I stand up straight and wipe the sweat off my face and nod at him before walking away and making my way back to the field.

* * *

 

I didn’t see him for the rest of the afternoon. Not at the field where we left him, nor at the formation when the marshals announced the top five candidates going for Trost. I assume he’s at the infirmary, but I’m not certain. I can’t let Bertholdt see that I’m looking for him or things will just get messier. 

We eat dinner normally with everyone that night. Our friends seem to be in a celebratory mood now that the top five have been announced. I try my best to act normal, but it’s taking a lot more effort tonight than usual.

“I knew it! Of course the commander would pick  _ you!”  _ Samuel said when we sat down to eat. For some reason his usual loud personality is giving me a headache right now. Which is weird because we’ve been sitting together at meals for the past few months and I don’t remember ever feeling this way with the guy. I force out my best smile even though deep down I want to strangle him.

“What’d you expect?  _ Of course _ our golden boy was chosen. It’d be a surprise if he wasn’t.” Even Hannah was a little more annoying tonight. Am I just irritable from what happened with Bertholdt or what? What’s wrong with me? You’d think I’d be used to them by now, but all I’m feeling is the desire to kill them. 

Before my thoughts could grow any darker, Krista enters the room and passes by our table on her way to grab a plate of food. She turns to everyone with that perfect smile of hers and faced Eren when he calls her.

“How is he?” he asks asks worriedly, and I immediately know who they’re talking about.

“He’s fine. His nose is broken and his arm is sprained, but he’s doing okay.”

I can feel her eyes on me, and not just Krista. Practically everyone at our table was waiting for me to say something. I take a bite from the chicken leg on my plate and focus on not crushing the bone in half. Pretending I’m not interested seems to have worked when Krista cleared her throat and spoke again. 

“Anyway, the medic said we can come visit if we finish dinner early,” she says and I feel her give me one last glance before giving up. “We’re just at the infirmary, I’m going on ahead so I can bring him his food. See you guys later?”

“Yeah, we’ll be there. See you Krista,” Eren answered and waved as Krista left to go.

I finish my meal quickly ahead of the others so I can go and avoid their eventual invitation to come with them, slipping from the table and out the door of the mess hall before Samuel or Hannah could even open their big mouths. 

I decide to walk through the woods, since it was maybe an hour before the evening bell even rings. The path is familiar to me now, seeing as I’ve gone through here a couple of times in the past already, starting on that first night with Connie. My initial reason for going here isn’t working though, because I just can’t clear my head. I don’t know who I hate more right now. Bertholdt, for telling me who I can and can’t  _ like.  _ Connie, for making me fall for him. Or me, for even allowing it to happen. 

I tried to avoid him. I tried not to get involved, but after that night at the stable everything just kept going and going. And now Connie’s at the infirmary, with a broken nose and a sprained arm because of me. Because I allowed myself to forget who I was and what I’m doing here. I can’t let that happen again. I can’t let my feelings jeopardize the mission.

 


End file.
